I have always carried a deep kind of Mother Guilt with Little Miss 4 due the fact I had to return to work when she was only 9 months old, but unlike a normal Mum I didn’t return 5-9 oh no I was deployed overseas to a third world country as part of a peace keeping mission away for 5 months. So I left her at home with her Dad when she was 9 months old, she was still a baby really. This meant I missed her crawling, pulling her self up on things, talking, first Christmas and first Birthday. It was really hard, really hard. I was proud of what I was a part of, I was very dedicated to my career, but I didn’t realise at the time how this would effect me and my feelings about her.
Pic below is the day I left.
As you all know babies grow up very fast and become little people, start jibbering and learning new things, I missed all that. My husband would send me pics of her and she became unrecognisable as she grew. I’d look at the pictures and worried that I didn’t know her anymore and questioned how would I still love her. It would break my heart each time my husband would tell me that if she saw a blonde chick she’d say “Mummy” and point.
It’s a horrible thing we Mums face, if you go back to work you can expect to feel this Mother guilt, but what I didn’t expect was to feel it as a stay at home Mum. I still to this day struggle with feeling like I am still not doing enough to make it up to her. She has no idea, she doesn’t know I wasn’t there for her first Birthday or Christmas she is fine, it’s just me. When it occurred to me in just over 2 months Little Miss 4 will be turning 5 and starting school I panicked. Where did the time go? All this time of me saying “Go watch TV, go play Barbies, go play outside” to think soon she wont be here during the day. So I am trying to make more of an effort to spend quality time with her little butt before I run out of time! We have even started Kindy Gym, which I even got that wrong. I took her in after my workout and sat on a chair with my face glued to my iPhone. Hearing ‘Mum look at me’, ‘Mum watch this’. So I put that bad boy phone down and played with her and did whatever she wanted.
Mother guilt is bulshit, as if we don’t already do enough! Why are we so hard on ourselves? Are you? I know I am?
Renee
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Man that would have been so hard to leave your daughter at such a young age. Don’t be too hard on yourself.
Eleise, was hard but the upside, I finally got to sleep all night long she was a 2am waker still at 9months old!!! LOL
You did an amzing thing for other children in what was a not os nice place at the the time, think of the amazing difference you made to those kids shown in your pics previously. Its one thing to regret going back to work for moneys sake, but you did it for the greater good and impact it could make on those who really needed help. i think you did an amazing job and something you should be totally proud about and when she is old enough your daughter will learn what an amazing kind, selfless mummy she has. big ups to you!
Angela, thank you for your wise words! That is really sweet of you! R
Wow, how did you do it!!?? I know how guilty I have been feeling returning to work when my son is 10 months old and having to put him in daycare 3 days a week, but for you to go away, you are strong. My brother in law is in the US Navy and has recently been deployed and his daughter is 10 months, I hear about how hard it is for him to leave and what he will miss, he will miss his daughters first birthday. I commend all those who serve their country and I think people forget that you leave family behind. You sound like a great mum.
Eva, Yeah it is tough, my husband is currently deployed overseas too he has missed a lot of Mr Ones growing up. Someone’s got to do it! Thanks for your comment! R
I hear you loud and clear! My little lady goes to school next year and I have realised that before long, my little shadow will be at the next stage of her life.
Anorina, It will be odd wont it! Been in such a rush for her to get to school now I feel like I miss her already she doesn’t start until Jan. Thanks for your comment. R
Just give it your best each day, sometimes that will be greater than others, but that is all we can do.