A New Mum’s Journey Through Postnatal Depression

Today something a little bit different and very personal, I have a friend who wanted to share her journey of bringing home a newborn and dealing with Postnatal Depression (PND). As most of you are Mum’s or about to be Mum’s my blog is the perfect platform to get this taboo subject out there and to reassure anyone going through it right now that you are not alone and help is available. Thank you to my friend for being brave enough to share her most inner thoughts and feelings.

This is a Guest Post by a friend who wants to help others

It’s still hard for me to remember those first three months of my daughter’s life and how I coped (or didn’t cope). It was the hardest thing I have ever been through and I said numerous times that ‘I just couldn’t do it anymore.’ I wanted someone to come in a fix it all. I wanted to run away. I wanted to love being a mum. I wanted to feel like I was doing a good job. I wanted to start over. It was like a horrible 24/7 job I couldn’t quit.

I felt all those things I had read about; anxiety that something would happen to my daughter, exhaustion and the pain from childbirth. I cried a lot and just couldn’t shake this feeling that I had moved to a foreign country and couldn’t speak the language. In those early weeks everyone was so smitten with my baby and although I loved her, I just didn’t get what everyone else seemed to be feeling. I couldn’t hold her and just enjoy it.  I felt like I had walked into a parallel world and I was just pretending to live in it until I was removed for being an imposter.

When she was 4 weeks old things started to really get tough. She would cry A LOT, especially from 6pm – 12am. We couldn’t get her to sleep. She looked wired ALL the time. We would sing to her over and over while bouncing around, shhing and singing while the vacuum cleaner roared away. I would spend my days in an exhausted, anxious wreck. I would dread those sleep times every single day, with that sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. I would hear about babies just falling asleep on the ground, in their mother’s arms, anywhere. I felt resentful and like I was the only one going through this.  When I finally did get her to sleep after an hour of bouncing and rocking and singing she wouldn’t sleep anywhere but on me and after that LONG hour of getting her to sleep that is exactly what she did.

You just can’t explain to anyone what it’s like to be at home with a baby who just seems to hate being in this world.  Every single day I told myself over and over what a horrible mother I was. I didn’t think we would ever leave the house again. I would look longingly at people with older kids and wish the time away. I couldn’t imagine why people did this again and to be really honest with you, I didn’t know why people did this at all! A second baby? I don’t think so!

One night, we decided to get out and visit family. Our baby was being exceptionally hard that night. I was just feeding her constantly to try and stop her crying but it just wasn’t working. She looked and screamed like she was in so much pain. We couldn’t stop her crying no matter what we tried. I was at breaking point and just couldn’t see how we could go on like this. I wasn’t happy. I hated this nightmare we were living. I didn’t feel like talking. I was angry and I felt so alone. I was the only one that could stop her crying and all I wanted was to crawl up in my bed and never come out. I burst into tears and my sister in law grabbed my hand, gave me a huge hug, and then we sat on her couch and just cried. She was my lifesaver that night. She gave me hope and I knew I wasn’t alone. I felt like for the first time I could step outside my head and really be seen. I was so scared to admit to anyone how I was really feeling. People would always ask, ‘Are you enjoying motherhood?’ I just wanted to tell them it was horrible and definitely not the ‘wonderful’ thing people tell you it is. It was such a relief to tell someone that I wasn’t enjoying it.

Our daughter hated the car. She also hated the pram. She would just SCREAM, and I mean a bloodcurdling scream like she was being stabbed. I’ve never heard a newborn cry like our daughter did in those early months. It was heartbreaking. I felt housebound and I started to feel resentful. I cried so much that I got to a point where I just couldn’t anymore. I felt sad ALL the time.

Sometimes you just meet people that change your life. I had one of many breakdowns on the day I met Margaret. I was visiting my dad and I had no idea what to do with my daughter. Was she meant to be sleeping and if so, how the hell do I get her to sleep? I didn’t want to go on. I knew I needed someone’s help. I needed someone to break it down step by step and tell me what I was supposed to be doing with this baby. I rang Child Youth Health and by some miracle they had a cancellation for that day. I visited Margaret a few times, just for a chat and also to go back for another day. She always made me feel okay and like I wasn’t alone and I’ll always be grateful for that. She had suggested that I think about going to Torrens House, a live in clinic where they help you and bubs with feeding, setteling and anything else..

One night I was bouncing around our bedroom after 12am with the tv on static trying to get our daughter to sleep. I had just had enough and I said to my husband. ‘If you don’t take her, I’m going to throw her on the bed.’ I never would have but how horrible it is thinking I could have wanted to do that to my beautiful, smart, curious girl who I love more then anything in this world but I did and that’s just that. I’m now sure without a doubt that most parents would have felt this way at some point in those early weeks.

After continuing to visit Margaret with no improvements in our daughters sleeping or behavior I decided enough was enough and I was going to Torrens House no matter what. I booked in on the Friday and I woke up on Tuesday morning to a phone call that there had been a cancellation at Torrens House and could I get in this morning? After the most terrible night of screaming I was feeling absolutely shattered, hopeless and defeated this was the best news I had in a long time.

Torrens House saved my life. I will be eternally grateful for how they helped us. I came into Torrens House as a complete wreck and I left feeling like after a very long winter I could finally feel the sun again.  The first night I was there our little girl didn’t sleep until 4am and only when the nurses gave up trying to put her to sleep in her bassinet and just held her. They said the next day that she was one of the most unsettled babies they had seen in a long time. That to me was such a relief! These nurses who had 20+ years of experience couldn’t settle her. So maybe it wasn’t just me? Maybe I wasn’t such a horrible mother? They had the pediatrician talk to me because they knew something was wrong and it was. She had silent reflux. Our baby had been screaming in pain for 3 months and we hadn’t done a thing. The guilt that comes with that is horrendous. The combination of her reflux and lack of sleep made for a very unhappy baby. As soon as she started the medication she was a completely different baby. For the first time in 3 months, I was enjoying playing with my daughter without anxiety being the overwhelming feeling. I could see her personality and I loved it. I loved her. We came out of Torrens house being able to settle her in her bassinet and play with her happily. She even fell asleep on me just because she was tired. I didn’t have to do a thing. She fell asleep in the car! An absolute miracle!

I was diagnosed with PND at Torrens House after talking with a doctor, social worker and nurse. I did want to harm myself but I never wanted to harm our baby thank goodness. It was a relief to finally have a name to put on my feelings. There was hope for me and I didn’t have to keep feeling this way. I started anti depressants after leaving Torrens House after having another breakdown in the middle of my lounge room the Monday after leaving Torrens House. I was sitting on the floor crying with my daughter and the idea of doing anything was just too much to bear. I made an appointment an hour later to see my doctor who prescribed the anti depressants. She told me that I had a chemical imbalance and that I couldn’t make it better just because I wanted too.

I’m feeling so much better these days. My daughter is the best thing that has ever happened to me and she is the love of my life. I can’t believe how lucky I am to be with her every day and watch her grow.

This is a hard story but an honest one and one that I needed to get down. For a while I had just blocked this entire part of my life out because it was so painful to remember and it still makes me sad thinking about what we went through. I still look at new parents who are really enjoying their babies and feel sad that I missed all of that. I just hope that I am lucky enough to enjoy it with my second.

Please, if you need help ask for it, there are a lot of resources out there to help. Google Child and Youth Health Services for your states contact details.They will listen without judgment and get you any help you need. For help with PND click the link to beyond baby blues for more information.

 Renee

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